it still hurts, but happiness is the end result

I've talked to friends about bad break ups and the ups and downs... my words to them are echoed back and I am forced to hear them, and I choose to learn from them

break ups hurt, no doubt. You may find out what someone doesn't like about you,
that your dreams don't align with theirs,
your choices are not what they want,
your lives are on a continual parallel pattern,
or even deciding for yourself that they are not what you want
the tearing apart is hard no matter what
realizing you have put your time emotions and heart into something that you now know is not what is best

but not knowing why...
not knowing the reason...
having no knowledge of what, why, why not, the unknown is the most difficult

I move on pretty quickly... I moved a bit as a kid and I learned that focusing on something new makes me forget what I have left behind.
I don't always realize that others may not move on as quickly, may not forget, may not find distractions as easily as I may

I didn't realize this until I experienced it for myself AND was told of how hurtful and drawn out the pain this can cause is

Looking back and seeing smiling faces, pictures of happiness, carefree and sure of what I had...
and knowing that it all disappeared without a trace of explanation, no word of why, no harsh words
no tears during conversations, no pleading, no understanding, just the looming and drawn out emptiness and confusion of the unknown.

What clues did I miss?  What wrong steps did I take? Which words should have been omitted? What should I have said? Where did I go wrong on a path that seemed so safe?

It does not matter, I will never know, I must learn to tread carefully and look ahead as I take new steps
but also I cannot build a wall, I cannot hide behind my fears nor can I shine a light down the path to see the turns and doors ahead
I cannot allow set backs, tears, heart break, and wrong steps to scare me into a stand still
I will keep walking, I will keep my head held high and I will take every step with the confidence and knowledge that I am who I am, I am no better as a result of my past unless I learn from it and become stronger, I am worse from my past if I stop walking, do not recognize my mistakes, or refuse to learn from my mistakes
My past makes me who I am and I am better because I have chosen to learn, chosen to be strong and chosen to continue on.  I walk with my head held high and do not allow my faults to hold me back,  instead I take my mistakes as steps, difficult as they may be, steps toward a wiser, stronger, and more understanding woman.

I am happy



*FYI, I very typically will write about something in the past that has effected me but now is just a good reminder of where I've been.  This is no different, past break-up(s) not current ... check out Transformation from Sept of 2010, written when I could finally look at the changes I had made without being hurt by the situation and circumstances which called for the change.  Its all a growing process*