Julia, Here's the Deal...

So here is the deal, my sisters and I are very close.  That's us with our dad two thanksgivings ago, 2009, before my deployment.

Top Row L-R:Julia, Robby (step dad), Alice (mom)
Bottom Row L-R: Ashleigh, Wendy (me), Ariel, Meredyth

We are close in age, and have grown even closer as the time passes and the miles between us increase.
Here we are at my mom Alice Perry's wedding 26 (27, 28?) December of 2009, days before my deployment to Afghanistan.

Meredyth, Wendy, Julia

On Christmas Day 2009, covered in the bows from our presents, in Due West, SC.

Wendy, Ashleigh, Julia, Meredyth (front and center)

Here we are again for Meredyth's bridal shower in Virginia, June 2011.

So if four pictures don't do it for you just take my word for it, we are close. Byrd sisters mean a lot, they have veto rights on the men in each other's lives, they will listen intently to each other's whining and gloating, crying and blabbing, boredom and frustrations.  One day they may need to listen to your sobs the next lay out the news you don't want to hear.  My sisters mean the world to me.
Julia and I trained for last year's Army 10-miler together, I ran it with my best friend Ethan just a month after she left for Botswana.  This year I will run it again, a lone Byrd girl in a sea of meaningless people (meaningless because you are not a Byrd sister when that's all I want).

Lately I have been a bit jealous... you see Meredyth and Julia have this ongoing affair... and I want a Byrd sister love affair of my own.  Julia has been gone less than a year and I don't like it.  Yes I was gone longer and it was difficult, yes, she is having a life changing time and its good for her, shut up.

Meredyth is enjoying married life in Austin, TX.  Julia is semi-miserable in Botswana, Africa and I am still a student in Northern Virginia.  Don't get me wrong I am always enjoying life, beachside enjoying life at the moment, but everyone is away.
Back to this affair...
Meredyth and Julia have this on going blogpal and I want my piece of the Byrd pie.
So here's the deal.
Julia, will you take me, Wendy, to be your second oldest sister and second blogpal?
We need to do our 10-miler training again, and each week blog back to tell the other about our weekly runs.  Its not hard, half the time I will be telling you how I missed two days of the schedule and you'll tell me an antelope joined you on your run.

So will you.  Here is the training program in PDF form, I will also email it to you.

Training begins on Monday.

it still hurts, but happiness is the end result

I've talked to friends about bad break ups and the ups and downs... my words to them are echoed back and I am forced to hear them, and I choose to learn from them

break ups hurt, no doubt. You may find out what someone doesn't like about you,
that your dreams don't align with theirs,
your choices are not what they want,
your lives are on a continual parallel pattern,
or even deciding for yourself that they are not what you want
the tearing apart is hard no matter what
realizing you have put your time emotions and heart into something that you now know is not what is best

but not knowing why...
not knowing the reason...
having no knowledge of what, why, why not, the unknown is the most difficult

I move on pretty quickly... I moved a bit as a kid and I learned that focusing on something new makes me forget what I have left behind.
I don't always realize that others may not move on as quickly, may not forget, may not find distractions as easily as I may

I didn't realize this until I experienced it for myself AND was told of how hurtful and drawn out the pain this can cause is

Looking back and seeing smiling faces, pictures of happiness, carefree and sure of what I had...
and knowing that it all disappeared without a trace of explanation, no word of why, no harsh words
no tears during conversations, no pleading, no understanding, just the looming and drawn out emptiness and confusion of the unknown.

What clues did I miss?  What wrong steps did I take? Which words should have been omitted? What should I have said? Where did I go wrong on a path that seemed so safe?

It does not matter, I will never know, I must learn to tread carefully and look ahead as I take new steps
but also I cannot build a wall, I cannot hide behind my fears nor can I shine a light down the path to see the turns and doors ahead
I cannot allow set backs, tears, heart break, and wrong steps to scare me into a stand still
I will keep walking, I will keep my head held high and I will take every step with the confidence and knowledge that I am who I am, I am no better as a result of my past unless I learn from it and become stronger, I am worse from my past if I stop walking, do not recognize my mistakes, or refuse to learn from my mistakes
My past makes me who I am and I am better because I have chosen to learn, chosen to be strong and chosen to continue on.  I walk with my head held high and do not allow my faults to hold me back,  instead I take my mistakes as steps, difficult as they may be, steps toward a wiser, stronger, and more understanding woman.

I am happy



*FYI, I very typically will write about something in the past that has effected me but now is just a good reminder of where I've been.  This is no different, past break-up(s) not current ... check out Transformation from Sept of 2010, written when I could finally look at the changes I had made without being hurt by the situation and circumstances which called for the change.  Its all a growing process*