Transformation

I have been away in relation to this deployment for over a year.

and what i miss the most is sitting around a table, across from a sister or friend or other family member eating and laughing. I am one of the most social, outgoing and talkative people i have ever come across... this deployment has changed that.

I have very noticeably become a loner while i've been deployed. I have mastered the "loner" persona and personality. I rely on few others, if anyone, to entertain myself and make me laugh or smile. i eat alone, I hang out on my bed in my room with 5+ other roommates, but i am truly alone, completely alone on my bed, in my world.

I don't talk to new people, i avoid new conversations or smiles with strangers or simple hellos with people I don't know and I very much live a loner's life.

Chow hall:

• sunglasses, dark reflective sunglasses are to be worn in the chow hall so people cannot mistakenly or purposefully make eye contact
• sit alone and do not look around at others, even through sunglasses this can be a loner's downfall
• no smile, no expression, no kind "nods"
• strategic walking- never come to a stopping point where you and another must decide who continues first...this inevitably causes, "excuse me"'s or other small phrases which people will try to force into a conversation
• head up, eyes straight, no smiling, walk with a purpose to a determined location, no lingering
• get in, get your food and get out... don't linger, you never know what NATO countrymen will interpret "lingering" as... it could cause conversation.

Barracks:

• never, never, never stop or slow your stride. These are tighter quarters in which people see you regularly and they may feel it is the right time to chat, comment, say "HI"
• eyes forward, no eye contact, no smiling
• never in any way wear anything that will bring attention or causes remarks. this includes looking nice and/or bad. master invisibility.
• don't hang around. if you are sitting at a table someone will talk to you, don't let this happen
• your room is the only place were a smile or conversation can be struck up or relinquished
• when movies, cards, video games in the common room are being played keep a straight face and walk through, no expression, no involvement or emotion to the activity.

Work:

• this is where conversation, interaction and everyday "good morning"s can be shared
• this is your sanctuary... where others are partaking in your same or similar activity, where interaction is not seen as an invitation to friendship-instead it is a working environment where working relationships are made and accepted

i did not accept my transition into LONER very well. i fought it. i fought hard but it was a silent fight...not one i could share because LONER was/is the safest place for me here in Afghanistan. (don't get me wrong, i don't run alone at night around a dark military base exposing myself to dangers)

I am very very good at creating friendships. This is helpful in a work place or when I need something accomplished related to work but it is not safe with peers... peers see this as an
...invitation to get closer?? a friendly deployed female instantly sets herself up for the wrong image or impression on others. this is a mistake i will not let myself fall into.

I miss normal life. i miss friendliness and conversation and laughter and relaxed environments where the air is filled with chatter. I miss being an adult. I am the youngest in my working environment by 15 years easily... I miss being with peers and being seen as a relavent contributor. I miss making my own decisions and proceeding without someone else's approval or knowledge or signature. I miss being Wendy.

I am not a loner, but i have adapted for my current situation and I am curious as to how my transformation will effect my future, my future back in society. the society, in which, i belong in.