I have been away in relation to this deployment for over a year.
and what i miss the most is sitting around a table, across from a sister or friend or other family member eating and laughing. I am one of the most social, outgoing and talkative people i have ever come across... this deployment has changed that.
I have very noticeably become a loner while i've been deployed. I have mastered the "loner" persona and personality. I rely on few others, if anyone, to entertain myself and make me laugh or smile. i eat alone, I hang out on my bed in my room with 5+ other roommates, but i am truly alone, completely alone on my bed, in my world.
I don't talk to new people, i avoid new conversations or smiles with strangers or simple hellos with people I don't know and I very much live a loner's life.
Chow hall:
- sunglasses, dark reflective sunglasses are to be worn in the chow hall so people cannot mistakenly or purposefully make eye contact
- sit alone and do not look around at others, even through sunglasses this can be a loner's downfall
- no smile, no expression, no kind "nods"
- strategic walking- never come to a stopping point where you and another must decide who continues first...this inevitably causes, "excuse me"'s or other small phrases which people will try to force into a conversation
- head up, eyes straight, no smiling, walk with a purpose to a determined location, no lingering
- get in, get your food and get out... don't linger, you never know what NATO countrymen will interpret "lingering" as... it could cause conversation.
Barracks:- never, never, never stop or slow your stride. These are tighter quarters in which people see you regularly and they may feel it is the right time to chat, comment, say "HI"
- eyes forward, no eye contact, no smiling
- never in any way wear anything that will bring attention or causes remarks. this includes looking nice and/or bad. master invisibility.
- don't hang around. if you are sitting at a table someone will talk to you, don't let this happen
- your room is the only place were a smile or conversation can be struck up or relinquished
- when movies, cards, video games in the common room are being played keep a straight face and walk through, no expression, no involvement or emotion to the activity.
Work:- this is where conversation, interaction and everyday "good morning"s can be shared
- this is your sanctuary... where others are partaking in your same or similar activity, where interaction is not seen as an invitation to friendship-instead it is a working environment where working relationships are made and accepted
i did not accept my transition into LONER very well. i fought it. i fought hard but it was a silent fight...not one i could share because LONER was/is the safest place for me here in Afghanistan. (don't get me wrong, i don't run alone at night around a dark military base exposing myself to dangers)
I am very very good at creating friendships. This is helpful in a work place or when I need something accomplished related to work but it is not safe with peers... peers see this as an
...invitation to get closer?? a friendly deployed female instantly sets herself up for the wrong image or impression on others. this is a mistake i will not let myself fall into.
I miss normal life. i miss friendliness and conversation and laughter and relaxed environments where the air is filled with chatter. I miss being an adult. I am the youngest in my working environment by 15 years easily... I miss being with peers and being seen as a relavent contributor. I miss making my own decisions and proceeding without someone else's approval or knowledge or signature. I miss being Wendy.
I am not a loner, but i have adapted for my current situation and I am curious as to how my transformation will effect my future, my future back in society. the society, in which, i belong in.
I have never been a big reader. Julia and, certainly my English Lit major older sister (Master's actually), Meredyth are the readers. Dad and my sisters will have long discussions of, say,
The Case Against Wagner was one Nietzsche's last books, and his wittiest. (the "wittiest" comment got me, its on my shelf)
Meredyth and Julia have spoken of Madame Bovary -- guess its my turn now. hopefully they spoke of it highly, haha i don't remember. well i can't sit around here typing all day i've got to get back to the authors. 
